The Sucker Strikes back
The Paradise of used cars. We sell – We buy – We trade Leave in your American car For only 1000 F Cash.
Say, old chap,
I’m leaving for a couple of hours, going to show the car.
I’ll be doing business till 3 pm.
Hey, if by any chance your business takes you in the vicinity of the bank,
don’t forget the lowly staff.
I’ve been working without pay for three weeks!
Oh, Eric!
Say, that’s a really beautiful one. At least a six cylinders, is it?
Better than that.
That’s swell.
Everything is automatic.
If you’re too hot, you just open the window by pressing this button, see?
If you’re cold, you put on the heating:
that’s the small pull tab inscribed -warm-.
And if you’re neither cold nor hot, you just push the -medium- button.
And what if I want to be kissed?
- Well you just have to ask. - I do.
Later if you don’t mind. First, we’ve got to talk.
About the meal...
We’re not going to decide on the menu now, are we?
There’s no menu anymore.
If we’re going to Montfort but don’t have lunch,
- we’ll look stingy. - Well, that is postponed as well.
- Oh, no! - I’ll miss it just as much as you,
but I’ve got a business lunch. Business is important too!
Don’t get angry. Gee! How irritable you’ve become.
I’m not irritated. I’m explaining my problems.
Speaking of that, how’s the morale?
Oh, you know me: as long as I’m with you.
I’m not talking about you.
I’m talking about your stupid husband’s morale.
With my husband, that is not an easy thing to know.
He wasn’t really talkative to begin with,
but now he only opens his mouth to eat.
If you think mine is a happy life...
Now that you mention it, I’m offering you another one.
But in order to do that, I’ve got to be sure.
I’d like to be sure too.
Sometimes, I wonder if all this is not just a beautiful dream,
if it’s really possible.
When I decide that something will happen, it does.
There’s no such word as impossible in my book.
- You’re really something else. - Yeah.
...because let me tell you that, for me,
Mr. Eric with his genuine Scottish suits weaved in Roubaix,
his cufflinks in imitation gold and his Italian shoes made in Grenoble,
is nothing but small fry. And I’m just talking appearances,
because should I venture into psychoanalysis,
I’d add that he’s the king of jerks. Although kings are usually on time.
Cause I knew kings, my dear counsellor, and not little ones.
Hanovers! Hohenzollerns! Crusades-guaranteed blokes, all of them!
Cause you’re seeing me here and now, but I wasn’t always a brothel owner
You didn’t know the Rue du Chalabert.
Sixty bedrooms. And they gave it all away to the Sisters of Mercy.
Ah! When I think of all that... Which is to say that your friend Eric
can take the airs he’s putting on and shove them up his arse!
Why do you say "my friend" when you speak of Eric?
I’m lending him money – yours, by the way at 20%. He’s a client, nothing more.
Well you could choose better clients.
My dear chap, I know that they say: "you only lend money to rich people"
but you can’t lend it to them at 20%.
I would be only too happy to loan your money to the Rothschild family’s.
- Unfortunately... - Oh please, my dear counsellor,
between Baron Edouard and a pathetic nobody like Eric, there’s quite a gap.
Speaking of gaps, I think that lending you at 8% money that you,
in turn, lend at 20% is somewhat baroque.
The ten percent difference is the price of my guarantee.
With me, you’re sure to get your money back.
Honesty has a price.
That’s probably your money coming.
- Mr. Eric is here. - Good morning, gentlemen.
We were just talking about you. We were even beginning to worry.
You shouldn’t have. I said I’d come: here I am.
The important thing, my dear Eric, is not so much your being here
- than your being here with the money. - Now, that’s different.
- Different? What do you mean, different? - Charles. Come on, don’t get excited.
Why should I get excited? The gentleman is acting aloof.
I’m perfectly able to slap his face without getting excited.
Your such a nice host. It’s enjoyable.
I’m hosting business reunions, not children parties!
So I’d like us to talk between adults.
About one year ago, you told us: "I’m opening a General Motors outlet".
I lent you 50.000 F. I want to get them back, that’s all.
Do you have them or don’t you?
What if I had something far better?
You’re talking about a mere 50.000 F.
What if I gave you a fortune? A once in a lifetime venture.
Following a long investigation, the Financial Brigade detectives
have just put an end to the exploits of a gang of counterfeiters.
Their chief, Miguel Mandarez, is now behind bars.
After examining the confiscated hardware, the Police have ascertained
that the counterfeiters were about to forge several hundred million
in European currencies.
What does this have to do with my dough?
I admit that I don’t really get it.
Let me explain.
That bloke Mandarez was about to unleash on the market
more than 500 million pound sterling.
Pound sterling? A beautiful currency? An admirable stability.
You’re right, there’s nothing better.
But an elite job needs elite workers.
Mandarez had hired a peerless engraver. A master!
I’m not saying Mandarez was in bad circumstances when he went to the can,
I’m merely noting that he’s there.
Mandarez is, yes, but the engraver...
The engraver is eating in my hand, taking my orders.
So, gentlemen, is this an adult conversation or what?
How did you meet the brilliant artist?
Well, truth to tell, I don’t know him yet.
Of course, I knew it wasn’t possible.
But I hold his broad in my hands.
I’ve been on the job for six months.
When a woman slept here, let me tell you that she can’t forget it.
What? What? I brought her here! She’s in the living room.
And, please, no faux pas. Tact! I didn’t find her just anywhere.
So you’re not going to the Balajo anymore?
Yes I do, so what? It’s not the Salle Wagram either.
I’m so embarrassed, my dear little lady.
Our friend Eric just informed me. I hope you weren’t too bored.
- Let me introduce myself: Charles Lepicard. - Solange Mideau.
I wasn’t bored at all: I love art. I was admiring your paintings.
This is a minor work. And even... well, risqué, I do apologize.
It’s often like that with artists. As they say: only talent matters.
- Of course, you’ll have lunch with us. - I wouldn’t want to intrude.
Eric’s friends are our friends.
Please walk into the bar and excuse me for a moment, I’ve got orders to give.
Georgette!
Georgette, put one more plate on the table and tell Madam
that we’ll eat as soon as the meal is ready.
- Hurry up! - Yes, sir, at once!
- Monsieur says we have an extra guest. - A guest?
A woman who came with Mr. Eric. His wife maybe.
That’s it: maybe.
You just have to put a lamb’s leg in the oven
and here come the pains in the arse!
Madam, our friend Eric delineated for us a business venture
that your husband could perchance grace with his skills,
and that we could commission.
You can speak freely, I briefed them.
- Indeed, I think... - It would probably be better for him
to do this venture with us than not to do it at all, anyway.
I do agree fully, gentlemen, but I’m not the person that must be convinced: he is.
Earlier, Eric told us he was a great specialist. A peerless engraver.
Yes, he’s a champ. Especially with coulours.
Ten times he almost was made either a foreman or a production manager.
We should have a good life, I can tell you.
The trouble is he was always fired from each and every job,
due to his also peerless authoritative temper.
If you ask me, my dear little lady,
when the man of the house fails to bring home a certain quantity of dough,
authority becomes nothing less than tyranny.
And the authoritative person a mere pretentious bugger.
See, darling, that’s the word I was reaching for.
I’m not the only one to think so.
I think our presence is about to be required around the table.
Bingo!
Shall we drink coffe here or in the living room?
In the living room. But I’d like you to oversee the job,
lest the Georgette kid slips us her usual herbal tea
and we finish on a wrong note.
Mrs Léa, although your lamb’s leg with beans is famous throughout Paris,
I think you’ve outdone yourself.
Well, you know, with good quality supplies...
You’re right, Mother, that’s the best thing in life.
Speaking of that, what did you think of my Champagne?
Old Camille sends it directly from Epernay.
- Camille? Camille who? - How many of them are there?
Mrs. Raymonde’s husband! The Flowery Basket!
- The Flowery Basket, that’s a nice name! - You can say that again.
But that’s one neglected house. As so many others are.
Of course, when a country fails to take its responsabilities...
Don’t talk about this while you’re digesting,
you’re going to get a ball in your stomach again.
Yes, you’re right.
Say: she looks like one hell of a dumb broad.
I don’t know what Eric hopes to do with her.
Not what you think. Go on.
After you, pretty lady.
If you want cigars...
- English cigarettes? American? - Oriental.
Hey, you’re not going to begin bugging us, are you?
- Alright, an English one then. - Here you are.
He talks to me like my husband does. Ain’t I lucky?
Don’t pay attention to him. You can’t learn education,can you?
- You like it here, don’t you? - I sure do.
- Would you like a tour of the premises? - Of course.
As you’ll see, I devoted most of my efforts to the guest rooms.
There are not two alike.
- There are several of them? - Seventeen.
So, what do you think?
This is probably a good venture,
but is it a profitable one, that’s the question.
- Psyche... - Please, come in.
How chic this is!
Indeed. We called it "Little Versailles".
How funny. There are only two of us
and it seems that we’re a whole bunch. Doesn’t it?
That’s the whole point.
Come, walk, walk, kiddo, walk.
- Oh, there’s a fire! - And now for the outdoors lovers!
Wonderful! This looks like Switzerland!
Two years ago, with my husband, we toured the lakes.
This year, if he hadn’t gotten into trouble with Mr. Mandarès,
we were supposed to tour Italy by bus.
Well, if all goes well, you might tour it in a Cadillac.
- A Cadillac... - Yes.
Meanwhile, if you like mysteries, exoticism... excuse me...
Artificial paradises...
Now, this is really special...
Do you think you’ll manage to convince him.
Who?
I’m talking about your husband, the little monster.
If I give him a hard time, I shall.
Say, I guess men are just putty in your hands.
Coffee is served, you know.
If you want to drink it hot, you should come down.
Unless the lady wants to bring it up to you.
This way is shorter.
Are you in, Queenie?
Leave me alone.
What’s the matter with my queenie?
She smells like grease, that’s the matter with your queenie!
She smells like grease because she’s out of luck and doing the dishes.
If you did them at the right time...
Isn’t that rich? The gentleman dares to criticize.
I don’t criticize. I say there’s a time for everything.
- If you didn’t spend your afternoons out. - Don’t you spend yours out?
Yeah, yeah, but not for the same reasons, mind you!
If I don’t go fishing for work, nobody will offer me any.
No they won’t.
And, if I’m not being indiscreet, what was the result of your fishing?
Nothing. Hartmann’s have a full team and Belloq’s are letting people go.
I’d rather shut up.
We’ve been waiting for six years for the wondrous job,
for the boss who would appreciate the gentleman’s talent.
What with his temper and his expectations,
the gentleman is known and unwanted everywhere.
We had one chance to make it, just one: with Mandarez.
- Of course it had to blow. - And a good thing it did.
Let me tell you I don’t regret anything. Cause Mandarez is in the can.
Maybe I haven’t got a job, maybe we have a bad life,
but at least, I do sleep in my bed.
Well go lie in your bed, since you like it so much. But without me.
Stop! I say stop!
While you were arguing about percentages,
I’ve been doing some thinking. This is really childish.
The venture cannot be done.
- Oh, here’s something else, now. - It just doesn’t hold together.
- May I ask why? - Why? Why? Because neither you nor I
know anything about the trick we want to pull.
Did you ever make pounds sterling?
- No, but Solange’s husband... - Her husband, her husband...
Did you see his work yet? Do you have proof?
- No. - No, right! So? no,
believe me, it’s better to forget it and resign ourselves to the fact.
It was a nice dream, that’s all.
Well, of course... Of course...
Oh, no, no, it wouldn’t be possible, it would be too good to be true.
- Are you thinking of something? - Of somebody.
If I’m intruding, I can get out, you know.
The venture would indeed be possible if we had a specialist check our sterling.
- Do you know one? - The best.
With a shitload of experience.
Thirty years in counterfeiting and never one glitch. A legend!
In his branch, he’s known as "The Old Man"
and people take off their hat when they hear his name. A regular champ!
If this Old Man is as good as you say he is,
he'Il have a big appetite. How much will he take from us?
Should such a man enter the race, that would be priceless.
Cause with him, there’s no problem:
we could as well take up a partnership with the Bank of England.
We could show our sterling to Pinay.
My dear chap, I think it would be good to contact this
- Old Man as soon as possible. - I think so too,
but you can’t see him just by crossing the street. He retired under the tropics.
You need to spend a million just to travel there.
Well, if the Old Man agrees, I say it’s for nothing.
You know, Charles, I never saw a fiftysomething
try his hand at counterfeiting money. You can’t improvise it. It’s a trade.
I’ve got one bit of advice for you: don’t touch it, even with tongs.
Say, What’s with you and the phoney dough? What’s up?
You can’t know what life is like in France now.
I know a little bit about it. I learned about the post-war horrors,
how they closed the brothels, but I didn’t think you were harmed by it.
The last time I heard about you, they said you were making it big in the underground.
- You just opened an exemplary birdcage. - When was that?
- About seven years. - Things have changed since then.
I was closed down. And this time, opening again was not an option.
As a result, I’m stuck with the house: seventeen bedrooms.
Maintaining it costs a lot, I can tell you,
not to speak of the taxes which apply whether it’s open or closed.
They’ll have to relent someday.
I thought so for a moment but I’ve given up hope.
Now, look, Charles, if you need a few million,
you know I’m always somewhat loaded.
Oh, no, I’ve not reached that point yet and didn’t come to mooch you.
Although the dough is slipping away a little at a time and,
should it go on like this, I’ll find myself pennyless in no time.
Well, since you’ve not reached that point yet, listen to me.
Tell yourself that your little trouble is nothing
compared to what awaits you if you persist in your dreaming.
Cause if you start dealing in fake bills, you’ll learn what trouble means.
You’ll lose your health.
You’ll discover some vicious people –
not those you usually meet, I mean really vicious ones.
With big teeth.
Those bastards will eat you raw.
I don’t know why I’m telling you this, mind you,
since you’ll be jailed before you earn the slightest penny.
- Do you think so? - Sure thing.
You’re worth one hundred against one in the race.
Come on, take a fritter. You’ll see, it’s good.
Made with fish that you can’t find in France.
Say, your little wine waiter is really cute.
If you fancy her, I can book her for you at siesta.
Oh, no, it’s funny, you see, but... I don’t fancy anything anymore.
Don’t let yourself go, man, you’ll find another way to make some bread.
I’m doing you a favour, believe me.
Well, since you don’t seem to believe me,
do you know how many operations I directed during my 30 years tenure?
I don’t know. About ten?
No, sir: five.
Four ended OK, and then, there was the fifth one.
- It didn’t work? - Oh, no, it didn’t.
And I thought that I was holding all the aces.
Léon le Stéphanois, who was a regular Rubens,
engraved for me a "100 guilders" which was more beautiful than the real one.
I had found the paper in Italy and the inks in Switzerland.
The printer cost me 7 million:
I had ordered it from Cottersburg in Leipzig.
And for added security, I had it dismanteled and shipped
half through Italy, half through Portugal.
- You can’t imagine. - Wow.
Wait, wait, that’s not all.
In eight hours flat, the two million guilders were made,
the printer dismantled,
the engraving destroyed, and all the paper burned,
- and I mean all of it, all! - What didn’t work then?
Try to guess.
- Your client failed to pay? - No.
- Trouble with the fuzz? - No.
I give up.
1945, June the 17th, does this ring a bell for you?
Well in 45, on June the 17th, the Royal Bank of the Netherlands
announced that the 100 guilders bill
wasn’t currency anymore and taken out of circulation,
and blocked in the banks.
A prank from madame Queen Wilhelmina. I’ll remember that damn broad.
Because of her, I had a 1500 million bonfire.
Did they have a right to do that?
You poor sod. The right?
Be assured that, as far as currency is concerned,
the States have each and every right and individuals none.
Just between us, Old Man.
Let’s suppose... And I mean "suppose"...
that I have an engraver, paper, and I print one billion worth of bills.
Let’s admit... we’re still supposing, mind you...
Let’s admit there are five of us on the job,
how much would it yield to each of us.
Twenty years in the can. Profits are divided, reclusion is added.
Come on, Charles, don't scowl like that. You’ve got to be reasonable about it.
You’re going to catch your plane and forget about all this.
Well, anyway, your crazy ideas allowed us to have a drink together.
And it might be the last one after all:
old as we are, let’s face it,we may not have many occasions to meet left.
Well, now that it’s over, Old Man, I can tell you:
I didn’t come to ask for your advice but also for your collaboration.
Ain’t you bold! You think anything is possible.
First, I never worked in association, you should know that.
And second, I’ve got enough dough to last me
should I live to be one hundred years old.
Especially since I’ve got simple tastes and live on nothing much.
- I don’t have any vices. - What about your horses?
My horses? They make money.
That’s why I would refuse any job, even with the Chase Bank.
Whether with Swiss francs, sterling or dollars, I would say no.
- Even sterling? - Yes, sir.
Now, between you and me, which currency
did you plan to do your monkey business with?
What, does telling me embarrass you?
Embarrass... Yes, I’m embarrassed for you...
It was guilders.
Caracas, counter-fraud department to Paris, Police headquarters,
financial section. Ferdinand Maréchal, a. k. a. The Old Man,
on Flight 615 to Orly airport... Have fun.
Did you hear that, commissioner? That’s our cue.
- Yeah, but don’t get excited. - Oh, come on,
he won't suspect that we’re waiting. The surprise factor could apply
Dream on.
Without him, I would have had my promotion fifteen years ago.
I caught quite a few counterfeiters in my career.
Mandarez for instance, less than three weeks ago.
But the Old Man is one of a kind.
You’ve never met such a smooth talker. It’s unbelievable.
Most people lose their cool when they’re confronted to us. Not him:
the fuzz inspire him.
Last time, I went to greet him in Le Havre,
just as he left the Queen Mary.
He supposedly came to buy a Cézanne.
You had to hear him talk about the "Blue bathing girl"
I tailed him for three days, from one art gallery to the next one.
Two months later, thoughout Europe,
banks began to spot twenty dollar bills
that had nothing to do with the Blue bathing girl.
You can imagine where my promotion went because of that.
It really might end up differently this time.
Here he is.
So, Rémi, won't you talk to me?
Oh, it’s you? Say, you didn’t change one bit, you old rascal.
Neither did you. How nice of you to come.
- Are you waiting for anyone but me? - No, no.
Well, there’s no need to take two cars. I’ll go with you. You’ll give me a ride.
- And where will you check in? - The usual. Hôtel Napoléon.
What about luggage?
I’m just here for 48 hours. This is enough.
- Are these eight suitcases yours? - Yes, sir.
- Did you pack anything to declare? - That would surprise me.
This is a swell highway. A great use of the taxpayers’ money.
- Of course, you never saw it before. - No.
How long since you last came here?
Let me think. It should be around... fifteen years.
And may I ask what brings you here this time? Still paintings?
Oh, should I find a nice Van Gogh at an affordable price, I might buy it,
but I didn’t come for such things.
And why did you come, if I’m not being indiscreet?
I came to buy fillies.
Oh, of course you don’t know it, but I raise racing horses in my home.
Yes. Anglo-Arabians don’t thrive in my area.
After one year, they melt down like they’ve got anemia.
I don’t know if it’s from the grassland or the climate.
So I’ll try Anglo-Norman,
with a small chromosome of "Tarbais" for better forelegs.
What do you think?
That this time we’ll work in the outdoors. A welcome change from art galleries.
Now look, I was playing it cool, and I think you’ve got some nerve
to bring that up, cause your Cézanne almost got me ruined.
It was fake.
I sometimes wonder about the activities in your department.
What? Aren’t counterfeits supposed to be your field?
Taxi!
Thank you sir.
To Vincennes, the race tracks.
Go!
- She’s alright but somewhat nervous. - Just like her mother, if memory serves.
A nice animal, isn’t she?
This bloke is proficient in everything!
You’re beginning to understand, aren't you?
- I’m not crazy: we didn’t see him. - We won’t see him anymore. Come.
When we arrive, I’ll call the trainer about his horse
and you’ll send him a 15000 F cheque for the inconvenience.
- 15000 F? - I’ve got a reputation to uphold.
While you’re at it, you’ll send a cheque to the hotel.
- Have you got any cash now? - Yes, why?
You’ll stop at a florist’s.
You shouldn’t have, old man, this is madness.
I must say you spoil me. They’re nice.
- Do you like them? - Of course I do.
The other one would never think about this...
You’re here for long, I hope?
I’m not supposed to, but you know, in business, you never can tell.
You’re going for three weeks
but may stay for twenty years. It’s not unheard of.
Still the same, isn’t he? Always joking.
I was just asking You know my house is yours anyway.
- That’s nice. - Admiring my faun?
Of course, I don’t own great masters’ canvases yet but this is a start.
A promising start.
But, you see, if it were my house, as you nicely said,
I’d hang this somewhere else.
That’s what I always said. It would be better off near the window.
- Where would you see it? - In the basement.
To each his taste.
Your tropical palace is one thing but French harmony is another.
If you ask me, you need to reacclimate.
- Maybe. - Yes.
Meanwhile, come and see your quarters.
- Are you coming, mommy? - Yeah.
I’ll give water to the roses then I'll come.
Georgette! Georgette!
This one was called the Sun King room. The finest of them all.
At the time, the bed alone cost me as much as a Citroen "traction avant".
Only in Fontainebleau can you find the equivalent.
- Speechless, aren’t you? - I must say.
You can’t imagine how much this room was liked.
Wasn’t it, mommy?
During the "Salon de I’auto", it was booked three days in advance.
Now that you’re here, old man, do you understand?
Isn’t it a pity to see all these rooms empty?
Don’t let yourself go, mate. I told him he would open again,
but he won’t believe me. He wallows in his loss.
He’s right, you’re a champ, old man. You’re a big chief,
I know, but not in this field. When they open again, it will be too late.
You won’t find a man or a woman able to properly host a house.
It’s a whole education.
You’ll have standard service but good manners will be lost.
What can I say? It will be the world of tomorrow.
The flowery kolkhoz.
Now, while we wait for the future,
why don’t you tell your maid to draw my bath?
I told her to hang your suits and all. Nothing has been done.
- Georgette! - Coming!
One of these days, I’m going to give her such a wallop.
Say, how do you manage your natives, over there?
They’re au pairs who want to learn French.
Did you call, sir?
Yes, kid. Would you draw my bath, please?
You’ll find my salts here, in a small grey bag.
But before that, I’d like you to go and buy me some newspapers.
- Which ones? - "Paris-Turf", I’d venture.
Of course not.
"The life of Trades", "Industrial Patents",
"The French Hunter" and the "New York Herald Tribune".
- The what? - The New York Herald Tribune.
All right, I’m on my way.
Hey, I brought you 5 kgs of coffee from my personal crops.
You’re really spoiling us.
After the flowers, the java really was superfluous.
It’s meant to clear your man’s thoughts, and that’s not superfluous.
- Mathias! Mathias! - What’s up?
I think the people across the street are at their shenanigans again.
Come and see the look of that girl!
They’re even doing it in the road now. It’s worse than it was.
- Hello, Mr. Eric. - Hello, Georgette.
You’ve already been announced.
- Here you are, Eric! - You bet. So, is he here?
Well, since I’m here, he is too.
The thing is nobody can see him before two days from now.
Why? What’s he doing?
- He’s working. - Where?
Hello? New York Herald? Do you speak French?
Oh, fine! The classified ads department, please.
Hello, miss, I’d like to put an add in the -exchange- category.
That’s it. So, here’s the text:
"After long abscence from Europe,
wish to exchange Dutch tulips,
the large flowers kind,
against nice, modern etching.
Send answer to the newspaper. "
That’s it. Would you mind reading it to me, please?
Thank you, miss.
Oh, the ad is to be published for one week, beginning today,
and you’re to send the bill to
Mr. Charles Lepicard, 14 Rue Verdoux.
That’s it. Thank you, miss.
- Charles! Léa! - What do you want?
What’s this poison your maid brought me?
Somebody wants to off me!
I bring you selected beans and you make acorn juice! How dumb can you be?
Don’t grumble, I’ll make you another one.
If your coffee maker is malfunctioning, buy another one!
If it’s the staff, throw them out! No Borgias in the kitchen!
Say, your pal seems to be the gracious type.
Oh, Charles, did you communicate my terms to your friends?
- Eric Masson. - I’m absolutely charmed!
So am I. We’re all charmed! So?
Well, it’s done, but... how to put it? My friends think the bill is somewhat high.
What?
Don’t you think it rather excessive to take 50% for you?
Let’s get this clear once and for all, gentlemen:
I’m not used to participating in charity fairs.
I’ve got specifications, you’re free to accept or reject them.
But if you accept, be aware that my percentage won’t be questioned
at any moment during the operation.
It’s a question of principle for me.
An excellent plane takes off at noon,
and I don’t need more than ten minutes to pack.
That’s not what counsellor Lucas meant.
I hope he didn’t mean anything: I hate cheap people.
So? Do we agree?
Fine! I was sure money wouldn’t be a problem between gentlemen.
Well, you see, gentlemen: everything is settled.
So, here’s the deal.
Being well aware of my duty, I hereby vow to supervise
the making and passing of 100 guilders notes
for a total of one billion Old Francs since you’ve got new ones now.
If I’m not indiscreet, why settle for one billion?
True. While we’re at it...
I say one billion, because I’ve got a taker for the whole of it.
One taker, not two of them. I’m not a door-to-door salesman.
Selling goods on the sly is not my way.
Now let’s tackle the technical side of it.
Have you got a place for the printing?
I think nowhere would be better than here.
I thought about the basement. We could clear some space.
Yeah? And why not on the sidewalk?
Did you ever hear a printing press running?
Well, let me tell you it’s not inconspicuous.
We’d have the fuzz on top of us two hours after we start.
Gentlemen, counterfeiting is a job for a mellow environment.
Your machine will be as noisy wherever you go, won’t it?
Indeed. But there’s a place where this noise
sounds absolutely natural: a printing house.
Of course.
- That’s why we’re going to buy one. - But that will cost a bloody fortune!
Irrelevant!
We’ll sell it after the operation, with a few millions loss,
and it will be part of the overheads.
Why not? But, in that case,
which one of us do you think should buy this trading place.
Young, energetic, ambitious,
you’re a man to invest money in a promising business.
I spotted five of six such businesses that would be perfect,here
So you’re going to visit all of these, but I warn you:
I want a detailed list of the machines.
Make, model, year, everything.
Yeah?
I made it myself. I hope you’ll like this one.
- One lump? Two? - Just one.
Say, Old Man. What’s your top price for buying the business?
The price that’s asked minus 10%. We must look like a serious client.
And what about the straight guy?
- What? There’s a straight guy? - My engraver.
What use is an engraver as long as we don’t have the printing house?
So? What do you think?
Let’s talk of something else. We would get cross at each other.
Here is a 13/18 and a 18/24,
with a Japanese lens. This is the most popular model.
Yeah. But I need a 50/60 room with a Kraut lens!
Alright, sir!
- Here’s the deal... - Ah, thank you... let’s see...
yeah...
- Good morning, sir. - Miss.
- Madam! We’ve got a client! - Coming.
I see you’re interested in our spring collection, sir.
We have charming little things.
Including our ostrisch-feathers!
Unfortunately, we’ve been virtually burglarized,
what with all the princely weddings these days,
but nevertheless, I can still offer you a nice choice of uncommon quality.
Our nasturtium and violet posies are also very popular.
Nobody but us sell them nowadays! In silk muslin.
- See you tomorrow, Lucienne. - Good night, madam.
Ah, Old Man! Your visit is such a surprise!
As you can see, my good Pauline, people always come back.
It really feels funny to see you again after so many years.
Still handsome!
I bet you’re still breaking hearts!
To think ofthe broads you scored with in the old days,and beautiful ones too.
Those days are long past.
Come. Let’s go in my den, we’ll be more comfortable.
So I gather you’re still in flowers?
Don’t talk about it: such a disaster!
Sales! Sure, there’ll always be sales!
But the manufacture is becoming impossible.
- Do you remember my little fairies? - I would be ungrateful if I didn’t.
They lived on nothing.
Some French fries for lunch, a bit of cheese for dinner... Misery...
When now, the girls want to have a car and a fridge, everything.
So I’m paying the same price for my violets than for orchids at Lachaume’s.
Well, it’s a disaster. Better get used to it.
You’re still faithful to black currant and white wine!
This is the drink of the era!
- To our health, Ferdinand! - To yours!
What about you? How’s the business?
You know, at my age, I’m content with a small tobacco pouch...
I don’t remember who told me you were in America.
I think it was Frédo, the lawyer.
Yes, I’m caring for my rheumatisms under the sun.
Trying to live a bit longer.
What happened to the lawyer, by the way?
He was found in the Bois de Vincennes, with three bullets in the breadbox.
What about La Joncaille? Have you seen him recently?
- La Joncaille? Which one? - Francis, who lived in the Rue Godeau!
Oh, that La Joncaille? He’s dead! Killed last year in Hamburg!
By a little sailor. A settling of scores they said.
Do you want to study my archives? Do you want to see my Who’s Who?
keep everything. Only men who came here and had a drink,
just as we’re having one now.
What about this one? Does it ring a bell?
Old "Slippery"! He must be at least one hundred years old!
I haven’t heard about him in a long time!
I’m not surprised.
He was fished out of the water at the Suresnes dam,
with a bullet in his head! Another settling of scores.
Say, his broad, the lovely one, certainly couldn’t take it.
Where did she go? A convent?
Are you kidding? She mourned for three months
then she married a big shot of the stock exchange!
She had him as a client at Reine’s.
What do you want? One has to end somewhere.
Say, isn’t that the Romdalène kid?
It is! We buried him too, one year ago.
- A settling of scores? - A cirrhosis of the liver.
Damn!
That just goes to prove the fragility of the human condition
and what little things we are!
Well, my good Pauline, I didn’t come here to list the dead.
Now that you mention it, why did you come?
- To get paper. - Oh, paper, nowadays...
Don’t tell me! Of course!
Nowadays, nobody writes anymore, everybody phones!
No, what I need is a few reams of imitation Japanese.
90 g, cockle or grape. See what I mean?
I’m not really informed of the market anymore,but to oblige you... I’ll ask...
At your age, no need to exhaust yourself in comings and goings.
I came here to ask you for Mandarez’s paper.
You can’t profit by keeping it longer, can you?
Should the Marne river’s level go up near you barn,
your paper is going to rot and go mouldy.
My barn has a door. A steel one.
A door can be opened. And there are evil doers!
If I understand correctly, you're taking over after Mandarez?
I’ve got some cockle: five reams.
Two million for all of it. Cash!
At such a price, you can keep it and wrap chips with it
Don’t get angry, we’re talking!
OK, stop talking and listen, it will give you a rest.
Right now, there’s not one team left able to buy your paper.
I’m offering one million for it, and that’s because you’re a friend.
I was right: you haven’t changed a bit.
As voracious as you were. Maybe more.
Alright, since you agree, where can I have the paper taken?
Still in Joinville? I’ll send a bloke during the week.
How shall I know him?
A handsome dark haired one. With a small moustache. Tall. Looking dumb.
Tall dummies are legion.
Yes, but this is an exceptional subject.
Should stupidity be measured,
he would serve as a yardstick for it! In Sèvres!
Don’t tire your old legs, I know the way! Bye!
That guy doesn’t know what he wants.
I’m the eleventh man who doesn’t have the profile.
They’re all crazy... Well, we’ll see...
- Bye, guys. - Bye.
Did you read my ad or did you come by chance?
I read the ad.
- Your name is Robert Mideau? - Yes, sir.
Yvon... Van Seif...
Say, you’ve got ants in your legs! What made you quit all those jobs?
Look, sir, I came because my wife insisted,
but if I have to confess my sins
or provide a vaccination certificate, I’d rather tell you right now that...
Hey, come on, kid, come on, no, no... I was just saying.
Especially since your certificates seem faultless.
Now, I’ve got to explain: I’m building this business again from scratch.
So I’m not really looking for a worker
I’d rather hire a... a partner.
In a word: an executive!
But do you feel your shoulders are wide enough for the job?
Yes, I think so.
Yes, but... well,
If you’re confident... shall we agree on a three months try-out?
I’m not afraid of it.
Would you like to have a look at everything?
Go on, I’ll be with you in a minute, just the time to put your colleague on his way.
Say, old boy, here we are. I’m sorry but it’s gone. Good bye.
An Aurelia 46,eh?
Do you know there are less than fifteen of these machines in France?
But this is a moth-eaten piece of junk!
And your paper guillotine is good for the scrap yard.
Now, on the contrary, this is quite neat!
Mind you, it all depends on the kind of work you want to undertake.
I’d like to specialize in colour! I’ve got a big client for that.
Do you? Well, you couldn’t have chosen a better man,
because saying that I’m a master of colour wouldn’t be bragging.
Say! How lucky can I be!
Like me,I'm as lucky with this job as I am with my wife.
Maybe so.
Oh, I’ve got to be Place Péreire in half an hour.
- Can I give you a lift? - Do you know where I live?
- In Levallois. So, really... - Let’s say it’s your lucky day.
I’ll join you after a short phone call.
Yes? Yes, I’m putting him on the line. For you. It’s Eric.
Yes? Yes.
Well,bravo.. bravo,goodbye.
Gentlemen, according to your friend Eric,
obviously with all the reservations the fact implies,
your sucker has been pocketed. We’ll see.
Well? Are you satisfied? Making progress?
Your client gave us a difficult job. But it’s coming out alright.
- What is it exactly? - Don’t know. Some kind of share, I think.
- Why do you laugh? - Don’t pay any attention
but... once you reduce the format,
should you add to it an historical character's picture and some numbers...
it would look like a bank note.
- Blimey, Isn’t that funny? - Yes.
Close the window.
Gentlemen, the sucker has got gold in his mitt!
A Raphaelite hand! We’ve got hold of a little prodigy!
And let me tell you that our venture promises to be grand!
We just have to enlighten the kid now.
I feel such an affinity between me and this child
that I’m going to pull a fast one on him in no time!
Where has this shirt button fallen? My shirt lacks a button!
- Put another shirt on! - None of them have been pressed.
That’s rich, I say! I own three shirts and can never have one ready to wear!
- Don’t get excited, I’ll sew a button on. - Yes, but we're going to be late!
I’ve got a boss who likes me for once,
a client who wants to know us, and we’re going to look rude!
- Suppose Mr. Eric should arrive now! - So what?
What do you mean, so what?
He rings and discovers you like this! Talk about class!
Yeah, he would form a bad opinion of me, wouldn’t he?
- What are you looking for? - My blue kit.
- Your what? - My blue kit! Are you deaf?
Never... We’ll never make it! Oh what a mess!
- Petroscian just brought the caviar! - Tell Georgette prepare the toasts.
Speaking of Georgette, I’ve got a word to say to you.
Do you know why you never get your paper on time?
Because the young lady reads it first!
I surprised her at it yesterday evening.
And do you know what the dumb broad was reading?
- "Crime does not pay"! - You don’t say?
- I do. Where are you going? - To chastise the young lady.
Wait a minute! Rather than beating her, you’d better brief her.
- About what? - The new situation, of course.
Eric doesn’t know Solange and Solange never came here before.
No false move.
I’ve got a Renaissance artist for once,
and I don’t want to lose him because of too stiff a staff!
- Of what? - A sod of a maid.
Oh, and I forgot to tell you:
his car is going to blow you away. Such a machine!
- Is it? - Yes it is.
That’s him, I was sure of it. My trousers!
Coming, coming, coming...
Ah! Let me hug you, my dear child, let me hug you now!
And let me look at you. Let’s see.
Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
A bold chin, high eyebrows and Dürer’s brow.
Some signs really are unmistakable!
- What is your name, my child? - Robert Mideau, sir.
Then let me call you Robert
Oh, yes, you must! Just Robert, as they say Raphael or as they say Leonardo!
Dear little magician, fairy-blessed child!
Don’t you think he’s overdoing it?
He’s revving up his voice. It’s just a start.
Mrs Mideau, I presume! The happy wife of the poet!
Please, allow me!
Oh, your dress is a masterpiece, my dear madam!
You may call me Solange, you know.
Oh! And she’s got wit too! How charming!
One really can find this double elegance only in Paris!
Speaking of elegance, you’re not wanting!
Your place is really something.
Oh, just a pied-à-terre which my friends live in
to humour me when I’m travelling.
Charles, my friend!
Our little princess is dying of thirst, please attend to her!
Say, the little tramp is going to ruin everything.
Neutralize her, for God’s sake!
- Whisky, champagne, port? - Whisky and soda.
- You will have a few appetizers? - No...
Of course you will. They help the drink to go down.
- What about you, Robert, my lad? - Whatever you want.
I almost never drink.
A small shot of port is comforting.
But you’re right: don’t you ever drink.
I knew a brilliant lithographer who drowned his hand in Pernod.
In your case, that would be such a shame.
I think you’re overestimating me.
No, I don’t.
Tell yourself that failing to recognize one’s own talent
is making success easier for the mediocre.
To the men of art!
To your good health, sir!
Here’s some homemade Picon, a good shot!
Georgette! Port!
I can see you’re getting acquainted?
- Dear little lady, please do me a favour! - Anything you want.
My banker, Mr Lucas, hates being alone. Please keep him company.
Oh, he’s a banker? I thought he was a businessman.
Because you don’t think of banking as a business?
You’re charming!
- Do you like them? - It's not difficult
- They’re by Binet? - Yes.
I worked on his illustrations for Restif de la Bretonne
and I thought I recognized his hand.
Since you like the art, I’ve got here a Moreau le Jeune.
I’m sorry, but I favour Binet.
His technique, his authority over the graver.
Say, you’re an connoisseur!
I did four years in the engraving workshop at the Estienne School.
Classical education cannot be topped.
- Charles! - What?
- Did you hear the old man earlier? - No.
He said he owns the house, we’re just caretakers.
Don’t pay attention, will you?
That’s right. Then tomorrow we’ll be janitors.
and the day after that we’ll be tramps! And then what?
But of course you don’t care, you let him talk.
And you? Can’t you see your broad is being seduced away from you?
Don’t make me laugh.
So you’re a banker? How exciting it must be!
- A cup? - No, I’m drinking scotch!
- With soda water? - Of course.
If you like Piranesi, you must...
you absolutely must go to Florence in order to see the offices collection.
I wanted too, and more than once. But you know how life is:
things don’t always turn out as you’d like them to.
Then, Robert, my lad, pay attention to a father’s advice:
we must build our life in order to avoid obstacles
- in every circumstance. - A little cup?
I thought I told you to serve champagne in very fine wine glasses.
I don’t have very fine wine glasses. What a drag!
Music!
- What about this one? - Wait. Let me think...
Tell me, Georgette, when you’re not thirsty anymore,
you’ll go and fetch champagne!
- Yes, sir. - I don’t believe this!
- Music! - What do you mean, music?
Your friend wants music!
Could it be a Larmessin, copied from Boucher?
- Right. - Isn’t it swell?
- Hey! This is deafening! - Don’t you like music?
Yes I do, but real music. Not monkey music!
let’s take advantage of it, I’ve got something to show you.
I’m sure you’ll like it. You’ll see: it’s unpretentious but funny.
- Do you dance? - Unfortunately...
- May I? - I’ll be glad.
Beg your pardon, my dear counsellor!
Shall we dance, Léa?
Here we are! My own little workshop.
Oh, you know I’m just an amateur.
An enlightened one, as they say, but still an amateur.
Ah, if I had a hand such as yours, I would do great things!
You would think so, and then... well, look at me.
- Do you recognize your work? - Yes, of course.
While you’re here, I’m going to ask you something.
I’ve got a small problem.
In addition to the text, I’d like to put a small motif here,
- either black or dark brown. - It's feasible.
And I also thought of embellishing the right side
with a portrait, a nice head. Erasmus’ for example.
You know, the Erasmus by Holbein.
- Could you do that for me? - As I said: it's feasible...
if we have a good template.
What about this one?
It was nice of you to give us a ride. We could have called a cab.
A cab? Where would you find a cab at such an hour?
See you tomorrow.
- His car is as old as Ben-Hur. - And you’re plastered.
You can’t understand. Come on! Will the bloody door open?
Say, say! After me, if you don’t mind!
To understand, you’d have to know.
Cause tonight, I dare say that I met a man! A real one!
- Eric is charming, isn’t he? - I’m not talking about that jerk!
I’m talking about the other one: Mr. Ferdinand!
- Now he really is somebody! - One week ago, you swore only by Eric!
- Oh! You call him Eric already. - M. Masson, if you prefer.
What I do prefer is the other one!
And, if you ask me, the other one
wouldn’t want Mr. Eric Masson to shine his shoes!
Shhh! Come on.
And shut up!
- That’s from Robert! - You’ll wake the whole house!
So what? What do I bloody care?
I won’t see their ugly face for long! Nor smell their stench!
Those peasants will come to attention before me!
- The janitor! - The janitor!
- Here’s for the janitor! - Come to bed!
I’m going to fetch the registration documents.
- Do you think you’ll manage? - Don’t I usually manage?
Ah, counsellor! No, no!
Our only chance to come even is to print twice as many bank notes
without the Old Man’s knowledge.
I had the idea during the night.
I think it’s rather brilliant, but is that really fair to the Old Man?
Fair? Do you think his taking 50% of the profits is fair?
And what about his way of treating us like stooges?
That’s true. We would be wrong to entertain any scruples on his account.
A double printing implies two things, though:
first, finding twice as much paper, then getting the sucker’s agreement.
The sucker is at my beck and call, period!
As for the paper, I’m fetching it in one hour.
I’ll take ten reams instead of five, that’s all there is to it!
- Only if we pay two million instead of one - So what? Is your bank closed?
Come on, come on, don’t be so hasty! One million is quite a sum!
- Well, so is one billion, of course. - Ah!
Alright, I’ll try to get Charles involved in this supplement.
The Old Man is going to be screwed! Utterly screwed!
A handsome dark haired one. With a small moustache. Tall. Looking dumb.
Tall dummies are legion.
Yes, but this is an exceptional subject.
Should stupidity be measured,
he would be used as a yardstick for it! In Sèvres!
Funny how you instantly knew who I was.
Somebody described you to me. I couldn’t miss you.
I would have appreciated somebody to help me carry it to the car.
Where do you think you are? Harrod’s?
- That’s too much! - Maybe not.
I thought that, while I’m at it, maybe I could take twice as much paper,
so I wouldn’t have to come back.
I don’t deal with errand boys.
Here, kid! For your cigarettes!
Pr. Tauchmann will resume his lessons on navigation on every Saturday, 10 a. m.
- How big are your tulips? - Big blossoms!
- I like that! - What rate?
- 20% of the written price. - Too short.
- Let’s say thirty. - I’d rather say fourty!
Right, but I can’t take more that one thousand units then.
Fine, that’s also my size.
- Do you have any favourite series? - I’ll tell you tomorrow. Alright?
Alright! And what about the delivery?
Home, as always. Bank notes against bank notes!
You’ll have them in French francs? 10.000 bills?
I’d rather have it in a more serious currency. Dollars. 100 bills.
- Robert! Open the door! - What do you want?
He must be kidding me. This is my home!
We’d like to see how much work you’ve done!
There’s nothing to see.
Did you hear that? Can you believe it?
Did you talk to him about the second printing?
I offered him 10%, he demanded 15.
The little scoundrel in going to blackmail us, mark my words!
Let me tell you I’d don’t like anybody dictating to me
I’m going to slap the little sucker’s kisser.
You’ll have to wait till we don’t need him anymore.
- What now? - It’s me.
Unbelievable, I tell you!
Gentlemen, this would rid us of our scruples,
supposing we had any to begin with.
By the way, you didn’t tell us where you stand in the paper department.
The old girl played hard to get. I even had to put her in her place.
But I’ve got another seller. A gypsy.
Wait! Wait! His brother-in-law knows an Armenian
who works in a printing house in Saint-Ouen.
As what? A floor sweeper?
Here we are! My photoliths are dry!
Bravo, kid! They don’t come any better than that!
- I’m ready to roll whenever you want. - Unfortunately, for once, I’m not.
I’m waiting for the serial numbers. I’ll have them tomorrow.
Of course we could print tomorrow, but tomorrow is sunday,
and a printing house working on a sunday could raise unwholesome curiosity.
And tell yourself that these beautiful images
could quickly turn in a tourist ticket
to Poissy, Clairvaux and other famous places. Any takers?
- No, no. - Right.
Today is saturday.
So we must keep our photoliths safe from any curiosity
but also from any greed for 48 hours.
I could take them to my bank. I’ve got a deposit box.
Do you?
And what about the wall breakers? Don’t you read the papers?
- Why not here? - No.
Thank you! Great to be trusted!
I know your honesty but I also know the classics.
From Adam who got one of his ribs taken out to Napoleon waiting for Grouchy,
all the great failed businesses were based on trust!
- Do you have an envelope? - Yes, why?
Give it to me.
We’re going to entrust our little treasure
to the only people who never lose anything:
the employees of a civil service that the whole world is envious of:
- I mean the French Postal Services! - I’d never have thought of it.
Here! If we post this letter before four o’clock,
it will be kept safe on sunday,
and the kid will receive it in the first mail delivery on monday morning.
- The Post! What a great idea! - Are you sure we’re not taking any risk?
None!
Except for a surprise strike but, gentlemen,
to trust honest people is the only real risk in adventurous trades.
Now this is too much!
They don’t even respect the Day of the Lord anymore!
I’m going to phone.
I’m a little sore, I must say. He insisted that we had lunch together.
And when I got to the parking lot, nobody!
I didn’t have to send my husband to the football game after all.
Maybe he was detained for business reasons.
He? Working on a sunday? Fat chance.
Eric is a workaholic, he’s a self-made-man, as they say!
Why don’t you quietly wait for him here and have lunch with us?
Mrs. Charles is going to add a plate on the table. Won’t you, Mommy?
- And here I am on cooking duty again. - Georgette doesn’t work on sundays either
- Oh, here you are. - Good morning, Mr. Ferdinand.
- I was afraid you’d miss the boat. - No danger of that.
Funny, isn’t it? The last time I sailed on this boat, I was twelve.
The year of my first communion.
I also used to come here often when I was a kid.
Later I sailed on bigger boats to go farther but,
as you can see, I’m faithful to this one I think it’s a nice way to see Paris.
Did you have any trouble coming here alone?
I had a bit of luck: my wife has lunch at her mother’s.
Maybe I’m mistaken, but I get the impression
that you don’t like Solange much.
- What about going to eat? - Don’t you want to answer me?
I especially don’t want to kill your appetite. Come on.
Now, if you don’t mind, let’s talk about timing.
You’ll get the photoliths in the mail at 8 a. m.
For the engraving, you’ll need what? Two hours?
It’s better to say two and a half.
Alright. Then mounting the stuff on the machine and adjusting... One hour?
- A little short, I’m afraid. - Is it?
And for the printing, what do you need? I thought about three hours.
Yes, providing there’s no glitch.
It would be better to allow for a good half hour more, just in case.
Now for cutting, two hours should be sufficient.
- There’s no possible glitch. - I’ll try but I make no promises.
And to unmount the engraving,
destroy it, clean the machine and burn the offcuts,
how long do you need, the way you’re going?
At least one hour and a half.
Well, you see, I thought everything would be in the suitcase at 5 p. m.
but if you need that long, you might have your reasons.
- Sorry. - Excuse me, sir.
Listen to me, Robert my lad. God gave you an exceptional hand.
He could have made you honest, but he even spared you that.
So don’t you think you should leave some advantages to the paupers?
The suckers? Those who really need it?
- Need what? - To work overtime!
Thank you so much, sir!
- I guess you don’t regret staying here? - You bet I don’t!
- Go and see what it is, will you? - Couldn’t it be Eric?
If by any chance it weren’t he,
maybe we could go somewhere after the java. Couldn’t we.
- A little boating in the Bois de Boulogne? - I’d rather go to the pictures.
Oh? So does my wife. And she hates boating!
- Charles! - What is it? You scared me!
- Larpin and Maffeux are here! - Who?
Larpin and Maffeux.
- Gentlemen. What brings you here? - Spring. The first sunny days.
- So you reopened on the sly? - What?
- And we had your word. - You really are hopeless.
I don’t understand, gentlemen, please explain!
That’s what we’re here for.
Some people have been complaining in the neighbourhood.
They say whole cars are coming back to your place.
- Day and night. - Even on sundays.
Look, gentlemen, this is a terrible mistake. I’ve been framed by people who resent me.
We’re not entertaining. There’s just the two of us, Mrs. Charles and I.
- Just the family. - What about her?
- Is she your grown daughter? - She’s a friend of mine.
Don’t we have the right to invite friends for lunch anymore?
Of course you do.
Deal with her. If she doesn’t have her ID, we’re booking her.
As for the two of us, we’re going to visit upstairs, ain’t we?
You’re a dishonest person.
Well, will you show me those papers already?
- Oh, really! - You’re making a mistake, inspector.
- We told you. There were complaints. - Here is my ID.
Wouldn’t you have another one? One from our shop?
Because this one is not? Police Headquarters, Paris. Can’t you read?
Maybe you were right. But what a jackass she is.
- Beg your pardon? - You may go.
I’m going to write to your superiors and tell them how rude you are!
You’re not going away like that, are you? You didn’t eat your dessert.
A woman is entitled to her pride, isn’t she?
What do you know? You were right: we missed the mark.
This is not a brothel anymore, this is an art studio.
- What are you fantasizing about? - I didn’t know you were a photographer.
And what is your field precisely? Bucolic trysts or bogeymen?
- What? - Greek shepherds or Spanish monks?
Come on, you don’t suppose that I would dabble is that?
A man of my standing! Who do you think I am?
Yes, I’m taking pictures! So what? I didn’t ask to be fired, did I?
I was deprived of my job, put on holidays!
Well, when on holidays, people do take pictures! It’s a hobby.
Do you have many such hobbies? Except for the one downstairs?
Taxi!
- 550, Don’t you have change? - It’s alright, keep it all.
A good thing you’re here. I just learned something rich!
Wouldn’t your so called private mansion be a brothel?
I beg your pardon, madam?
Should you have been there, they might have been more polite anyway.
- Who? - The fuzz! They’re all over the place.
Damn. Come on, drive!
- Where to? - To the Sacré-Coeur.
Just because I’m curious,
given the fact that we just lost one more million,
how is your paper? Does it at least look the part?
Of course, it’s not as good as the other one.
It’s the tiniest bit cream coloured.
There are some spots, but you have to look at it closely to see them.
Don’t you understand this is Waterloo, for God’s sake?
Why are you talking about paper?
Paper without the Old Man is nothing, period!
I refuse to believe that so serious a man left just like that.
On the eve of pocketing one billion.
Maybe he remembered an errand of which he wouldn’t tell Solange.
He’ll be back, you’ll see.
Where the fuzz tread, the Old Man never comes back.
We can do without him for the printing, mind you, my dear chap.
Only the negociations afterwards are sure to be tricky.
We might find a buyer.
Yeah, and if we don’t, we can always go and peddle our bills on the marketplace.
Well, if you ask me, I’m glad the bullshit is over.
What bullshit?
What you were doing with the Old Man:
the laboratory, the printing house, and so on.
You don’t imagine that I didn’t get it, do you?
The trouble is, even if you’re still not cured of it at your age,
I don’t volunteer for the visiting room on every thursday.
Especially since, this time, I’d have three men to support,
not including the Old Man who ain’t got any family in France.
So sending parcels, hiring lawyers
and approaching officials would be my responsability.
That’s why I say we’re better off like this.
Hello? Yes, It’s him.
You didn’t have to run away like that
They were Vice inspectors, you didn’t have anything to fear
- Come on, Old Man, let me explain! - There’s nothing to explain,
and I don’t want to know what happened.
And where I am is no concern of yours. Now listen closely.
We print tomorrow, as scheduled, and the staff will work a ten hours shift.
Put the gigolo on the line
- He wants to talk to you. - Hello, Old Man?
Alright, you.
Tomorrow, at noon, you’ll oblige me by taking your goat to the country.
And you’ll entertain her till 5 p. m. I don’t want her to hinder anybody.
As for the time and place of the rendez-vous, Charles will inform you.
- Put him back on the line. - He wants you again.
Yes, Old Man?
The rendez-vous is tomorrow evening, at 5:50 p. m.
Place du Trocadéro, under the statue of Marshal Foch.
I’ll be on time and I won’t wait.
That’s it. If all goes well, gentlemen, you’ll sleep on a fine mattress tomorrow.
- In the meantime, sweet dreams. - Hey, wait a minute
What if we need you for an emergency?
Nobody knows where you are.
I know it, and that’s one person too many.
- Mr. Robert Mideau? - That’s me.
Please sign here.
- Here. - Thank you, sir.
- Goodbye, sir. - Goodbye.
Closed for stocktaking
The Countess de la Trapinière. She checked in yesterday night for a rest cure.
Fine. What about here?
Checked in yesterday too. Mr. Maréchal, an industrialist from the North.
- Nervous breakdown. - Perfect.
Tell me, miss, intellectual overwork doesn’t prevent appetite.
I’m not going to get my strength back with grated carrots and a fruit compote.
We know better than you do what you must not eat.
At 300 francs a day, what -you- must not eat is dough.
- Of course. - Yes, of course! I dare say
Will you allow me to order caviar, darling?
Today, we celebrate, sweetheart. You can stuff yourself with it.
The caviar, the crayfish, and then we’ll see.
- Also champagne. - Very good, sir.
And to think that yesterday, I was sore at you.
- How strange love is. - Yes it is.
What if I told you that, last night, I dreamt we were rich
- and left together for the Islands. - Oh yeah?
- Yes. - How strange dreams are too.
Well. Where is our overworked industrialist?
There’s nobody here, doctor.
He took his things.
My dear counsellor, I think it’s time to go.
He said 5:50, he’s late
Oh, here he is
What with your stupid rendez-vous, I couldn’t find a cab
The kid will sit between you two, and we’ll put the suitcase in the front.
You’ll leave me at Austerlitz Station, I’ll take a cab.
Then, let’s see, I have to see my buyer,
so we’ll meet at you place at 8 o’clock and divide the money.
I bet you don’t regret coming here now.
Hey, hey, come!
Robert! Hey, kid!
I don’t like this. What can he be doing?
What about the suitcase? Where’s the damn suitcase?
Come on, it’s not possible. The sucker wouldn’t dare do this to us
Do what? Hey! Wait a minute, gentlemen,
what’s going on here?
I get the impression that you’re double-crossing me!
- What are you? Crazy? - No, I’m not crazy! Not crazy at all!
But if you think you’re going to trick me, I can tell you you’ll learn otherwise.
And what about this cheesy paper?
It was not part of the deal. Where does it come from?
Look, Old Man, I think it’s better to play it straight:
we wanted to surprise you.
Did that surprise you?
Surprise me! I say you wanted to double cross me.
And with paper barely fit to remove a girl’s make-up.
That’s why you hired the kid.
But the little prodigy took off with your dough.
This way, nobody’s jealous, we’re all screwed.
This time the Netherlands didn’t throw a spanner in the works
and I have to be diddled by some jerk
At my age! And I can’t even press charges!
You’re going to take us to his place, now!
He can’t have much of a head start, can he?
Coming, coming, coming, opening!
Now, I dare say, what’s eating you?
- What are you looking for? - A thief!
Your husband took off with our dough.
- So it was today... - It was, madam.
I spent the whole day with him.
Oh! He ran out on me. Me, his little queenie.
That’s the one thing that can’t be held against him!
To think of the reputation I enjoyed on the five continents
And you have me fly seven thousand kilometers just so a sucker can screw me!
- You’ll admit that’s rich, won’t you? - What can we do?
I don’t know.
But with your 100 francs a ream paper, you can always open a stationery store
Or use it for wiping what I’m thinking of. That way, you’ll dispose of the stock.
Where are you going? Where the hell are you going?
Anywhere, as long as I don’t see your mugs anymore!
But... But he’s making away with my wheels!
Your wheels! Your chick! Your schemes!
- Here’s for your nose! - Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
Keep quiet, please
What is, my dear Eric, this 100 francs a ream paper
for which you had me pay one million?
Deal however you want to with your client.
The one thing I know is that I want another notary!
How much to you have in French money and how much in foreign currency?
25.000 francs. Old francs. And 200 dollars.
I’m sorry, Mr. Ferdinand, since I had to visit the professor,
I didn’t have the time to dress properly.
Don’t fret. People wear only alpaca there.
My taylor will clothe you at discount prices!
It goes without saying that the main characters of this ugly story
were arrested during the next week and sentenced according to the article
139 of the Penal Code. The authors.
Ill-gotten gains never prosper. Jean de La Fontaine
Translation: Goupil66 May 2010